Fraternal rivalry and competition is one of the most analyzed topics in family systems, in addition to the couple and the family in general. Although it is a topic observed and developed in psychotherapy, and widely spoken by people, in general little has been written about it and it has not been sufficiently investigated in terms of scientific literature.
Most of the authors agree that there are two feelings that
are the motor of the dispute in relational games that mostly develop between
siblings: envy and jealousy.
In the discussions and other belligerents that unfold in the
fratria, different conflictive situations are generated that are expressed
through anger, shouting, insults, explosive rejection, among others. These
dynamics also lead to different triangulations with the parents who are
involved, forming various coalitions, alliances and various types of
problematic relational games. Let's go deeper.
The stereotypes and generalizations trap
When it comes to sibling competition, one falls into the
stereotype of analyzing the order of the sibling sequence.
Thus, we speak of the eldest son , the one who suffers the
consequences of the mistakes of inexperienced parents and is characterized as a
figure in whom too much responsibility and demand falls; above all because of
the idea that he has to set an example for his siblings, when they are not left
in his care.
On the other hand, when the middle child is described , it
is indicated that he pivots between the older brother and the youngest. He
finds himself with the predilection of the father and the mother for the older
brother and the overprotection that they exercise with the minor, which is why
the middle child is annulled and devalued, with little chance of getting ahead
and growing.
Finally, the youngest son, who is always the overprotected
of parents and older siblings, never gets to be taken as an adult despite
having grown up. He will always be taken as Josecito, Carlitos, Juanito, etc.,
that is, with a diminutive that stamps the image of the immature in his name.
These stereotypes are products of a very superficial reading
of the interactional game of the brothers. Therefore, they are a partially or
absolutely inefficient interpretation. In principle, because each family is a
universe of meanings and has its particularities, culture, beliefs, values, rules,
ideas, way of dealing with situations, communication style and ways of showing
affection.
So, the interpretations made of each brother according to
his sequence of birth are very relative and do not lead to good results.
Parents are not the same with all their children
On the other hand, it must be borne in mind that parents are
not the same with each of the children. Although they preserve their identity
over the years, evolutionary cycles, life experiences, coexistence in marriage
and family, bring different ways of thinking and feeling, reasons why the
upbringing that develops with each one of the sons has a similar edge, but with
quite a few differences.
Parents are not the same with the eldest child or with the
middle child or with the minors.
Many of them have passed the test of being first-time
parents and possibly the oldest has paid the price of inexperience, with which
the upbringing towards the rest of children has more flexible or simply
different attitudes. Be that as it may, the raising of each child is an
absolutely unique and incomparable particular event.
Let us bear in mind that an older child grows up for a
certain period of time only with his parents, without siblings, while the rest
of the children grow up with parents shared with the siblings.
Not to mention if the family has changed its economic
status; there are children who grow up with a series of advantages that others
do not have and this fact also defines ways of thinking and acting.
Fantasies, expectations and reality about the relationship
between siblings
Too often parents fantasize that their children will be
loving and responsible to each other , that they will be friends for life, and
that they will be united forever. However, this idealized scenario seldom materializes.
For example, this course is observed in some children facing
the birth of a sibling. Together with the love illusion, the joy and the
surprise of the birth of the brother, in parallel a row is simmered that
sometimes remains between teeth and others is clearly manifest.
Thus, sibling rivalry can be defined as a set of hostile
emotions, thoughts and behaviors that some children experience in front of one
of their siblings and that emerges on a painful and distressing basis.
The presence of sibling rivalry always implies a particular
form of suffering that can be expressed in multiple ways, some more masked and
others more obvious or treacherous. From aggression and violence, intolerance,
irritability, easy explosiveness or disqualification of the achievements of the
other to behaviors to attract the preference of parents.
Sibling rivalry: between jealousy and envy
Sibling rivalry and competition is likely to occur through
two basic emotionalities: jealousy and envy. Each of them concerns two
different relational aspects: while in envy the relationship is between two
people, in jealousy it is a game of three.
In these dynamics, triangle games are fatal. Alliances are
established that become a coalition against a third party. The famous two
against one, in which the third must endure the segregation and
disqualification of the other two: fights, abuse, insults, manipulations,
ironies, provocations, among others. Definitely a toxic game.
Many of the rivalries between siblings are produced by the
intermediation of the parents. Some children feel that the parents or
specifically the father or mother prefer one of their siblings. This favoritism
can occur and not necessarily explicit, because parents always state that
"the children are all equal", in the attempt to be equitable even in
affective nutrition.
However, there are parents who show a predilection for one
of the children and this favors rivalry between siblings, who initiate a
dispute for the "scepter". Also these triangles are shown in reverse.
An overvalued child is left aside by the parents because he "can do it
alone" and the focus of attention is occupied by the sibling with
difficulties.
In relation to this, years ago an adolescent who spoke very
little attended my consultation and therefore the parents decided that he
should start psychotherapy. In the first session I discovered that I had a deaf
younger brother who was the focus of attention of the parents, among speech
therapists, psychologists , psychopedagogues, doctors, etc., this brother stole
all the attention of his parents.
Instead, he had no problems, he was a brilliant student. The
problem was that his parents didn't take care of him…. until it fell silent.
Then the mute began to compete with the deaf for parental attention.
The envy
If there is something that envy does not respect, it is
remoteness or emotional closeness. The jealousy between siblings is doubly a
bet on those dark feelings. In the face of a successful brother, the envious
brother wants to possess what his “adversary” achieved or to have the things
that his brother achieved happen to him: win the trophy, win the title, score
the goal in the game, seduce that girl , etc.
This dark feeling is triggered because the achievements and
successes of the brother show the envious his own inability or aptitude for
that achievement. Then, this initiates a series of disqualifications to the
envied in the attempt to destroy him , because he feels so tiny, so powerless
in the face of the success of the other, that he needs to undermine him until
he reduces it and "let him on his knees" to feel superior.
But envy is not only coveting what others have, which is
quite natural (especially when one has little of what is coveted), but what
most and best characterizes true envy is the desire that, in this case , the
envied brother may not have what he has, that his success is not real.
Understood in this way, it is possible to conclude that envy is the mother of
resentment, a feeling that does not seek to make one do better but to do worse.
In this envied and envious sibling rivalry, the envious
becomes a satellite of the envied and carries his pain inside, since if he made
it explicit it would be to declare his inferiority.
Then there are disqualifications, expressions of anger that
do not focus on the issues that the envious person envies, but on other
situations that act as a trigger to express the accumulated anger. The scene
gets complicated when the parents mediate and immediately fall into the
triangulation trap.
Jealousy
In the jealous rivalry relationship, the children compete
for the possession of the parents, and this possession translates into
attention and time devoted to expressions of affection and approval.
As we have said, an example of a relationship of three is
jealousy. A relationship of two is interfered with by a real or imaginary third
party, in which one of the two feels relegated because he believes that the
other is linked to another person outside the pair. This game generates
anguish, aggression, guilt, anger, despair and other polluting feelings.
The jealous brother limits his perception to evaluate the
affective expressions of the parents. From his point of view, these will almost
always be approving for the jealous brother and deficient for himself. On the
other hand, he does not attack or question the parents for their perception
that they have a predilection for another sibling - be it fantasy or reality.
Instead, he turns his resentment and anger on the "favorite brother."
One of the prototypical rivalries is the jealousy felt by
the son who has monopolized the love of his parents, for the birth of his
brother given that, for a matter, among other biological reasons, the newcomer
will need higher levels of attention (feeding, elderly care, hygiene, etc.)
that any newborn has.
This rivalry for the affection of the parents from the birth
of his brother, can be expressed in different ways through different behavioral
forms. Many of these children feel guilt for these conflicting feelings, in
which love for the new brother and anger coexist because he “usurped” their
place.
Rivalry, if temporary, is an expected relational effect
between siblings; the problem occurs if this game is prolonged and systematized
over time, since they create dysfunctional frames that are difficult to break.
0 Comments